This page is a work in progress - Not for publishing - Articles for reference only
I'm not saying that defiance and disrespect only comes from them not being respected first, many times kids are disobedient because they have not learned to comply with requests and rules. However, to set them up to accepting our direction, we must first set the stage - and show them this first... of respect.
Children are people first, before they are children. They, as well as their hopes wants and needs, need to be respected before we can ever expect them to show us and our ideas, requests, rules, morals and values to be respected in return. I always think back to how I felt as a kid when I was treated without respect; ignored, forced to comply without an explanation why if I truly did not understand, or experience when they are upset should come before strongly restating and enforcing rules. Saying something like, "I can see you were really excited about watching your video and you are disappointed now that you can't, but we discussed the consequence of breaking the rule this morning." Validating first before enforcing consequences, helps the child to open up to accepting them instead of having a resistance.
The author uses the word punishment when talking to the child, from my experience using "consequence for actions" is a better choice. Consequences for actions reinforces the idea of taking responsibility for our own actions and the natural consequences that follow, instead of blaming others for enacting punishment which switches the child's focus off their own responsibility and back on us. I also think we should remember that kids deserve respect just like anyone else, their unique perceptions, feelings, thoughts and ideas should be listened to, respected, and accepted as their own. Telling a child their perceptions, feelings, wants and needs and are not valid, only causes them more frustration and often results in even more arguing and acting out behavior. Our words and tone should also always show respect, we don't want to sound like we are the bratty kid in the room, by making sarcastic remarks or having a condescending tone. I always tell parents who wonder if they are showing appropriate respect to their children, to give their children permission to record them the next time they are stating or enforcing rules and consequences. If the parent is uncomfortable with the idea of being recorded, they probably have an issue with showing respect.
We also need to remember that our kids didn't come into our lives to make things harder for us. They are just kids, they didn't ask to be born with little lawyer minds, and it is normal for them to want to express, even test out, their ideas and abilities. They also can't help it if they are able to see inconsistencies, loopholes and the like, it is a normal part of how their minds work. However, we can gently guide them through appropriate rules and consequences, to prepare them for the real world where these things will most definitely be enforced.
For another great article about how to encourage compliance to requests, accountability, analyzing and problems solving skills, see www.theproactiveparentingcoach.com/questions-to-promote-compliance--accountability
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