COMMUNICATION, RESPECT & BOUNDARIES IN THE COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP
Communication, respect, and boundaries are the mortar that holds a relationship together. When partners no longer communicate, communicate in unhealthy ways, or disrespect personal boundaries, the relationship nurtures no one, and the relationship soon crumbles. True communication involves proactive and respectful communication and active-listening - listening with empathy, without judgement, or thinking about what you will say next. Both are essential ingredients to making a relationship work. Many of us grew up in families that did not model healthy communication or respect. Some members of the family may have done most of the talking, and little listening. There may have been abusive or harsh words used, a condescending tone, sarcasm, or other unhealthy communication within the family. The adults in the family may have had boundaries others couldn’t cross, but the children’s personal views and boundaries were ignored. Because of this, we may not know what healthy communication and boundaries look like.
It is optimal, when we can communicate in a positive way that evokes empathy and understanding, and leads to a good outcome. The good news is - we can – the key lies in the language we use. In studying the human mind, we learn that our conscious and subconscious have different roles in maintaining our health and well being, and are greatly affected by the way we use language. Our subconscious is there from day one, holds all the memories from our past, good and bad, and it’s role is to protect us from harm and keep us safe. Unfortunately, our subconscious, which holds more than 90% of the decision making, bases all of it’s decisions on our feelings; driven by our old wounds and experiences. If we are trying to heal and change our lives today to do better, we need to find a way to convince our subconscious that it is safe to make these changes. Our conscious mind – driven by sheer willpower to make changes — holds only 10% of the decision making, that’s why it is hard to do something new or make changes, it is easier, but detrimental, to just let our feelings keep driving our life. The 3rd player up there in our heads is our self-talk. That little voice, saying things we have heard people say in our past, telling us we aren’t good enough, or smart enough, or… So, how do we consciously teach our subconscious and self-talk voice to stay quite or learn new ways of doing things? Research shows, that we do this by changing the way we use language to communicate; changing what we say, hear and think. The information and exercises on the following pages are there to help you start to identify and practice healthy communication.
It is optimal, when we can communicate in a positive way that evokes empathy and understanding, and leads to a good outcome. The good news is - we can – the key lies in the language we use. In studying the human mind, we learn that our conscious and subconscious have different roles in maintaining our health and well being, and are greatly affected by the way we use language. Our subconscious is there from day one, holds all the memories from our past, good and bad, and it’s role is to protect us from harm and keep us safe. Unfortunately, our subconscious, which holds more than 90% of the decision making, bases all of it’s decisions on our feelings; driven by our old wounds and experiences. If we are trying to heal and change our lives today to do better, we need to find a way to convince our subconscious that it is safe to make these changes. Our conscious mind – driven by sheer willpower to make changes — holds only 10% of the decision making, that’s why it is hard to do something new or make changes, it is easier, but detrimental, to just let our feelings keep driving our life. The 3rd player up there in our heads is our self-talk. That little voice, saying things we have heard people say in our past, telling us we aren’t good enough, or smart enough, or… So, how do we consciously teach our subconscious and self-talk voice to stay quite or learn new ways of doing things? Research shows, that we do this by changing the way we use language to communicate; changing what we say, hear and think. The information and exercises on the following pages are there to help you start to identify and practice healthy communication.
BOUNDARIES ARE THE ROAD MAP TO SELF-CARE & HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS
Do you ever feel exhausted by your own life or relationships? Do people take advantage of your kindness, generosity or time, but don’t return the favor when you are the one in need? Insufficient boundaries may be the key. Many of us grew up in families that did not recognize, respect or model personal boundaries and choices. We may never have seen an example of healthy boundaries, and so never learned to recognize or set our own boundaries. Setting and respecting personal boundaries is how we show self-care, and respect to ourselves and others. Yes, boundaries go both ways, we have the responsibility to set and clearly communicate our own boundaries, and respect the boundaries set by our partner, and our relationships may not feel at peace or in balance until we can do both. To set personal boundaries means to preserve your integrity, take responsibility for who you are, and to take control of your life.
Personal boundaries are the physical, emotional and mental limits we establish to protect ourselves from being manipulated, used, or violated by others. But, they are also simply the means by which we ensure our personal needs and values are met. Boundaries allow us to separate who we are, and what we think and feel, from the thoughts and feelings of others. Their presence helps us express ourselves as the unique individuals we are, while we acknowledge the same in others. It would not be possible to enjoy healthy relationships without the existence of personal boundaries, or without our willingness to communicate them directly and honestly with others. We must recognize that each of us is a unique individual with distinct emotions, needs and preferences. This is equally true for our spouses, children and friends.
When we are in a committed relationship, boundaries become even more important. The healthiest relationships, with the best chance for success, are those made up of two people who set, communicate and respect boundaries. But many ask, aren’t relationships all about compromise? Don’t we become “one” when we get married? How do we know what personal choices or boundaries we should keep after we enter a relationship, and what personal choices we should now be giving up to compromise or negotiation with our partner? The simple answer is that we, and our partner, shouldn’t feel compelled to give up any of our personal boundaries or choices just because we are now part of a couple. Setting boundaries that protect our well being, needs, values and preferences, will always be our personal responsibility. However, you may choose to, together as a couple, define what areas of your shared life you will now define as “shared or negotiated choices.”
HOW DO WE ESTABLISH HEALTHY PERSONAL BOUNDARIES?
And, what boundaries or choices are negotiated in a committed relationship? The printout below will help to clarify some of these things. However some ask, what if a boundary or personal choice of my partner is adversely affecting my life? In this situation, we can let our partner know how we are feeling by using “I feel” statements to evoke empathy and understanding — but it is still their personal choice. If we continue to be adversely affected by a personal choice or boundary of our partners, we have the personal choice to remove, or move, ourselves away from the affect of it. What if one partner is asked by the other to give up personal choice in a certain area? If for example one partner asks the other to stay home with the children, to give up their personal choice to work or not, the other partner can listen respectfully to their request for what they feel is best for the family, and consider their partners viewpoints. Based on shared values, they may choose to go along with the request — but it is still their personal choice. Situations like these, are where communication and respect — respectful communication, and respecting each other’s individual views, feelings and needs — are key. When possible, these things should be discussed, or negotiated, before entering a committed relationship. On the printout below, below each of your names, are examples of life areas where you get to make the choices, and where you have the responsibility to set and communicate your personal boundaries. Someone can ask you to negotiate, move, or take down a boundary, but only you can make the decision to do so. You also have the responsibility to respect the choices and boundaries set by your partner in these areas. The life areas below Family are examples of where you may choose, as a couple, to share or negotiate family time, responsibilities and related choices. Learning to set, respect and negotiate boundaries in any relationship will take respectful, open communication, and time. The most important thing to remember about boundaries is that we learn to clearly communicate our own, and always respect those of others.
Personal boundaries are the physical, emotional and mental limits we establish to protect ourselves from being manipulated, used, or violated by others. But, they are also simply the means by which we ensure our personal needs and values are met. Boundaries allow us to separate who we are, and what we think and feel, from the thoughts and feelings of others. Their presence helps us express ourselves as the unique individuals we are, while we acknowledge the same in others. It would not be possible to enjoy healthy relationships without the existence of personal boundaries, or without our willingness to communicate them directly and honestly with others. We must recognize that each of us is a unique individual with distinct emotions, needs and preferences. This is equally true for our spouses, children and friends.
When we are in a committed relationship, boundaries become even more important. The healthiest relationships, with the best chance for success, are those made up of two people who set, communicate and respect boundaries. But many ask, aren’t relationships all about compromise? Don’t we become “one” when we get married? How do we know what personal choices or boundaries we should keep after we enter a relationship, and what personal choices we should now be giving up to compromise or negotiation with our partner? The simple answer is that we, and our partner, shouldn’t feel compelled to give up any of our personal boundaries or choices just because we are now part of a couple. Setting boundaries that protect our well being, needs, values and preferences, will always be our personal responsibility. However, you may choose to, together as a couple, define what areas of your shared life you will now define as “shared or negotiated choices.”
HOW DO WE ESTABLISH HEALTHY PERSONAL BOUNDARIES?
And, what boundaries or choices are negotiated in a committed relationship? The printout below will help to clarify some of these things. However some ask, what if a boundary or personal choice of my partner is adversely affecting my life? In this situation, we can let our partner know how we are feeling by using “I feel” statements to evoke empathy and understanding — but it is still their personal choice. If we continue to be adversely affected by a personal choice or boundary of our partners, we have the personal choice to remove, or move, ourselves away from the affect of it. What if one partner is asked by the other to give up personal choice in a certain area? If for example one partner asks the other to stay home with the children, to give up their personal choice to work or not, the other partner can listen respectfully to their request for what they feel is best for the family, and consider their partners viewpoints. Based on shared values, they may choose to go along with the request — but it is still their personal choice. Situations like these, are where communication and respect — respectful communication, and respecting each other’s individual views, feelings and needs — are key. When possible, these things should be discussed, or negotiated, before entering a committed relationship. On the printout below, below each of your names, are examples of life areas where you get to make the choices, and where you have the responsibility to set and communicate your personal boundaries. Someone can ask you to negotiate, move, or take down a boundary, but only you can make the decision to do so. You also have the responsibility to respect the choices and boundaries set by your partner in these areas. The life areas below Family are examples of where you may choose, as a couple, to share or negotiate family time, responsibilities and related choices. Learning to set, respect and negotiate boundaries in any relationship will take respectful, open communication, and time. The most important thing to remember about boundaries is that we learn to clearly communicate our own, and always respect those of others.
💕 Hugs & Happy Life, Love & Parenting,
Julie L Gibson-Vasquez
Life, Love & Parenting Coach
Idyllwild's Life, Love & Parenting - Social/Emotional Support Center
"Located In the beautiful mountain town of Idyllwild, CA USA."